6 posts tagged “relationships”
I guess it's a little late to post a 2008 retrospective, but things have always been a little different around here @ cobalt_blue. Right now it is 3:45 AM and again, I cannot sleep - even after watching Steven Soderberg's CHE earlier this evening, which is four hours long. 30 minutes of Che brushing his teeth? That was a little excessive. Note to self after watching CHE : Facial hair is bad-ass and I must cultivate more of it.
So today I canceled my Penske truck reservation that was set for April for my move to Portland, Oregon along with rescinding my application to the apt. which I had put myself on the waiting list for. It was a nice place, glass from floor to ceiling in some parts and it even had a dishwasher - wait it gets better- it had a disposall in the sink. Sure, most of you may scoff at such things but keep in mind that I live in a grungy mission apt with 4 dudes, and before that I lived in yet another shit-hole where I had a crack-head, roommate moonlighting as a prostitute in my apt. So, yeah Portland - My now ex-girlfriend and I were going to move there, run a small company together, have a little yard for the dog to run around in and start our adult lives together. I moved in to her place and things went really, really well. In fact I can't even tell you the last time I was that happy. We had so much going for us, an entire future to plan out - there was even talk of marriage too. We spent some evenings after cooking dinner cuddled up next to the computer looking at places to live.
"I'd prefer hardwood floors". She said.
"Totally. We can do better than that place, and besides - did you see the kitchen?". I'd respond.
Occasionally, we would find the perfect place and wish that we could just leave now instead of waiting a year. Months later we flew up and visited. She was quiet most of the time, didn't want to be intimate at all. It was then I started having the sleeping problems. When we got back home we sat down on the big brown couch in the living room. I held her hand and said
"Look, I seemed to get the vibe during the trip that you were not totally sold on Portland. I just wanted to talk about it and see if both of our goals were similiar and whether or not they could be achieved in Portland. I'm not asking for an answer now - please take your time - there is not a wrong or a right answer. The only right answer is what you feel is good for you."
She said she was unsure of what her goals were and that she had not made up her mind, but I knew - the look on her face at the fancy restraunt that night in Portland said it all. Then the fade out began. I had to move out of her place 2 months later. This year has been a study in feast and famine. At one point I was working two jobs for a total of 60-70 hrs per week. It was a nice setup because the proceeds from one job went entirely into my savings acct, which was my funding to go to Portland and then some. That job ended last april when the housing crisis really started to take hold - yeah I miss the money, but I can honestly say it was one of the worst jobs I EVER had. It has been exceedingly difficult to find a second job since then - especially one that does not make you want to kill yourself, but at this point I will do anything (just msg me for my resume, ok?)
I had the love of my life, I was living in a good apt with good roommates and the future was so incredibly bright. Within a couple of months I had lost my girlfriend, my second job and the future seemed not as bright. Sure, I had enough money to go to PDX, but is now the time to pack up, leave everything and everyone behind - especially during this particularly nasty recession? If you think the recession is bad in California (the world's 9th largest economy) it sure as hell isn't going to be any better in Portland. So, for the indefinite future I have decided to stay put. It's funny that I felt I needed to go to Portland to start my adult life, when it was already happening here - just listen to how adult this sounds ! " I have decided to indefinitely postpone my relocation to the pacific northwest due to macroeconomic factors." I'm all growns up.
So, lately I have been trying to put a positive spin on this whole thing. For starters I opened an etrade acct and bought some stock (it's affordable now) and have been learning how to invest what little money I have to pay off in the shorter term and long term. It's hard to find a job now, but I know I will find one soon, and since I have no time limit I can keep plugging away saving money until times get better, or that I have enough to cover rent for at least 6 months when I move, and in yet another kick in the teeth - my laptop and business plan was stolen from my car last week. So, I have another opportunity to give it another go - and make it better!
2008 - I wouldn't call it the best year - definitely. But some moments were the best of my life and I would go through all the suffering just to relive them again and again and again. Look, I'll be honest with you things kinda suck right now - but tough times don't last - tough people do.
Applied at a temp agency in SF today. I really need some work/money and most everything I have pursued has fallen flat. Along with money that I need for my upcoming business venture in Portland, I need some structure! Given recent events and the fact that I only work 2 nights a week this lack of structure kinda drives me nuts, although when I get back to working 60 hour work weeks I'm going to wonder why the hell I ever thought I needed "structure".
Usually when I contact temp agencies they take one look at my resume, which mainly consists of jobs I have had in the creative field and say "Thanks, but no thanks. We don't have many creative clients." I kinda have to get aggressive and explain to them that many of my skills transfer, I can in fact use a computer, Windows, Microsoft Office and I'm fucking awesome at Powerpoint and most importantly, I won't put white-out on the screen. I usually tell them that I am moving away from the creative industry (come to think of it, I was rarely being creative at those jobs - ever)
Being aggressive worked and they allowed me to come in for an interview. Luckily, the computer that I used to take a skills test froze before I got to the typing section, so I was able to lie and say that I type a BLAZING 55 wpm. I also mentioned that I wasn't "Greenspan" when it came to excel. I had a jovial conversation with the recruiter and I said that I was willing to take anything - as long as it does not involve me dancing on a platform in my undies - or "teabagging". ("But they'll pay ya' 11 dollars just to touch your chest!)
The only thing I am worried about is that my ex works for the same company. She mentioned good things about them, and I definitely trust her opinion so why not? Hell, they were the only people that gave me a chance. I just felt odd going to the same place, as if I am encroaching upon her personal space. I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. Sometime this week I will have to write her just for the sake of full disclosure. I don't want her getting angry with me. However, I doubt that we will see each other and I highly doubt that we would ever be assigned to the same office. If this did happen though, It could easily become a good pitch to NBC and possibly be a hit comedy.
ps If anyone knows of an ok job in sf that pays at least 15 an hr give me a pm or email - thanks
From this point on until further notice I am hereby taking myself off of the dating* market in this fair city, or anywhere else for that matter (not that I travel all that much). It's not any one person that did it, or that they did me in. In fact, most of them were quite nice hell, one of them was one the best girlfriend I ever had. It pains me that it didn't work out but, but it wasn't the right time and one more thing...
It may sound trite, but it's me.
I'm a goddamn mess.
It's not like I live in total filth, unable to pay my rent or parking tickets or put gas in my car. I'm completely competent when it comes to financial matters and taking care of myself. Instead, it's a combination of things, not one specific issue or affliction that is causing me to take such drastic measures. For starters, I need to work a bit on liking myself more. Relationships are exponentially more difficult when you have such a poor opinion of yourself and in addition to this, a self-esteem issue such as this could possibly limit my success in the future. I could write pages about this, but I'll spare you**. Second item on the agenda is that I need to be producing more work and spending more time aquiring photography work and getting it shown, whether it be in galleries or publications. I need to spendtime getting some more still-life and architecture work in my portfolio so that I won't be working in a bar at age 40. Also, as of late I don't have the heart for this anymore. I'm tired of things not working, of heartbreak, unrequited love and partners that dig far beneath the bar that you have set for them (which was pretty damn low). Lastly, there are many things in SF that I want to do, which when burdened with a relationship are difficult. I want to go to watch obscure films at the castro more often, I want to hang out with my guy friends more, I want to camp out in the snow in tahoe, I want to volunteer at least once a week, I want to join the World Affairs Council and The Commonwealth Club. I want to ride my bike more and make a dent in the screenplay I have been writing. I want to finish the piles of books begging to be read. I need to get these things done.
I know that I can't be the only one in SF that feels this way. For those that doubt me or that are scared of being alone, I ask "What could you possibly have to lose, and can you imagine what you can gain?" I implore you to join me in my quest of being Radically SIngle. I have not produced a workable manifesto yet, but when I do all of you will be welcome at the meetings. We'll read it from atop milk crates in Bart stations, shaking our fists wildly and spreading the gospel of aloneness to confused onlookers. It'll be fucking fantastic. Trust me. An active, curious and challenged mind will never be lonely just alone, and it's not a bad place to be.
* - defined as seeing someone more than once a week with the expectation or intention of the relationship progressing.
**- the like, one person who might read this blog
